I am going to start off by saying that this post is going to be real. Not that anything I, or sosaveme have conveyed in the past is false or dishonest, but tonight I am feeling rather vulnerable and that’s what I mean by real. I really hope this doesn’t come off as complaining– I would never want to waste your time with that, so if I happen to stray please forgive me. What I do hope to accomplish by this post is that through my vulnerability and openness you can understand my thought process. Perhaps you can get to know a little more of what makes up sosaveme and who I (nicholas) am. After all, this blog is about getting to know each other, so we should talk about the good, the bad, and the mediocre. We should share our experiences even if they’re not always pleasant. I haven’t always been the best at sharing my thoughts or feelings and through the years I’ve had great friends who’ve slowly helped me come out of this shell. So in a continued attempt to overcome, I share with you.  Now that you’ve been warned, read on if you choose.

sosaveme sits on the verge of an up coming tour and I can’t help but ask myself a series of questions that aren’t steeped in encouragement and optimism. Rather they are more likely from the birthplace of doubt. It’s been a long and difficult past 2 years for sosaveme. It’s been a time where I believe sosaveme has done some of the most exciting things to date, but it’s been a continual growing experience and it hasn’t come easy. There are all these pressures and responsibilities that I never quite expected when Jon I first started playing music together 12 years ago. In that basement where we first jammed and the chords of “Smells Like Teen Spirit” were reverberating off the walls, I didn’t imagine myself years into the future with 6 records behind me (3 EP’s and 2 LP’s with sosaveme). I also didn’t envision the amount of work that would not only go into creating art, but trying to make a living by selling art. At some point bands have to be a business. There is also this awkward stage before you can even get to the “trying to make a living.” It’s a place where you are half in the world of maintaining regular jobs– and you don’t quite know if you can quit yet– and a mountain of things you are trading and going without in order to pursue a dream that you write the methods of achieving to. That’s probably the place sosaveme is right now. Working out the shift between part time and full time. Then there is the factor of, do the other 3 guys I’ve committed my life to in doing this still share the same passion and vigor to accomplish this that we set out with at the beginning. Throw in the mix members of the band who are married, engaged, and me being a full time student, and you’ve got yourself a whirlpool environment in which some sort of stability has to remain in order for things to stay afloat and function. It’s a delicate balance.

Back in January while we were on tour we marked out on the calendar 23 days in which sosaveme was going to tour again; March 16th to April 7th. It’s a lot easier to mark out days than it is to actually book them. I can tell you as the principle person who does the booking for sosaveme, its been a rough game. It’s by far my least favorite aspect of being in a band. Endless amounts of routing, emails, rerouting, phone calls, rerouting, emails, waiting on email returns, scouring the internet for venues, and further emails. Venues that respond, venues that don’t. Local bands that are initially excited to do a show with you, but then cease to respond to your phone calls and emails only to tell you 2 weeks before you leave “they got busy and can no longer do any shows with you.” It’s a long list, but it’s a small fraction of what all independent bands go through at some point. It’s certainly not a plague unique to sosaveme.

So in light of the semi-chaotic situation sosaveme is in, these questions keep springing up.
“Are we going to be able to fill these last minute dates on tour? Will we make enough money to even cover our expenses on this tour? Will we ever be able to pay off our last CD? Do other bands really go through these same struggles? Are my problems even relevant to a world that has so many other issues besides the ones I’m facing? Should I just grow up and get a ‘real’ job, or one that starts to pay? What is a real job anyway? And why haven’t we had a break yet? Are we not working hard enough? Does our music suck? What can we do to improve our live performance? What’s the next step? Will I ever write anything better than the songs on The Garden? Can I top that? Was The Garden even that great to begin with? Do I seriously need to reconsider the direction my life has taken? Am I just complaining?”

After 2 flights of stairs - The Channel

Last night I was on the phone with Jon sharing these vary same questions of struggle and I was reminded of a show we played in South Carolina at The Channel. Out of all the shows we’ve played there have been some very memorable ones and this particular one sticks out to me for several reasons. It was beginning of a realization that had previously been drowned out in all the questions I kept asking myself.

The Channel venue has two flights of stairs that all of our gear had to be brought up and down. Vigorous work. It was a small show, about 22 people came. But partway through our set I noticed a group of about 4 or 5 people singing along to our songs. So here we are, in a venue we’ve never played at, in a town we’ve never set foot in, in a state we haven’t visited in over 4 years, and there are people singing along to songs that we created… Afterwards these individuals came up to us and were so excited to meet us and talk. They said they heard our single somewhere, went and bought our CD, and then had to come see us live, only to find out we were playing at The Channel. One of them even asked me to do an interview with him for a paper he was writing on “Christian subculture” and how it’s shaping beliefs and people. I remember leaving that show and wondering how out of all the songs there are to listen to, ours ended up catching a person’s attention and drawing our lives together. For me, it was a realization that music is a catalyst for bringing people together and the music I had created was doing this. It’s one thing to get kids out to a show in your hometown and state, but another thing entirely to have strangers come to see you in a place you’ve never been to before. It didn’t take a sellout show or certain number of record sales. It didn’t take being recognized on the street or being featured in some magazine to feel that I was doing something that was having a marked effect. For me, those 4 were the victory. I just needed to remember.

It doesn’t change the bills we have to pay. It doesn’t change the amount of work we still have to put in. But it does set perspective. And perspective is crucial to obtaining your goals. All of us in sosaveme never set out with money as our goal. We set out to change lives and to build relationships. Money can certainly help facilitate those things, but is not an answer to solve all problems. I’ve seen time after time and situation after situation where I’ve looked at my present circumstances and don’t see a solution. Things don’t always add up. But in those very same times and situations I’ve seen Providence work its way. Too many times people have unknowingly handed us what was desperately needed funds to get us home on tour. Too many strangers have opened their homes to us– people they’ve never met to sleep on their couches, eat their food, and to leave early the next morning with scarcely enough time to utter our extreme gratefulness. Too many great friends have come from the shows where only 5 kids showed up. Too many tours that started off in disaster or our van breaking down have ended with more impact than ever before. Too many people have sent us message, or story, or told us of how some song we wrote helped them in some way we never even foresaw in its creation.

I’ve learned that after asking all of the questions I could possibly ask, there comes a point where I choose– I can either break under the pressure of the unknowns, or I can give in to faith. And faith is scary. It’s not easy. It is a trust that’s formed in surrender. Of course I can reflect on what tomorrow will bring, but in doing so will I miss all the tremendous blessings that have already happened? I need to remember that although I’ve set goals for the future I can’t forget the milestones I’ve already passed. I can’t always control the unknowns, but I can control where I stand and my perspective. I will never get these days and these moments back– and I can’t help remember a very important question that was once asked, “And who of you by worrying and being anxious can add one unit of measure (cubit) to his stature or to the span of his life? ”

Risk is guaranteed when you set out to do something great. Bite the bullet and aim for something that stretches you in every way possible. Be that person who has all the odds against them; that when you fail it actually means something and when you succeed it means all the more.

I am extremely grateful for what I’ve been able to accomplish thus far in music. I’m extremely honored that anyone would buy a collection of songs I had a hand in creating. I am humbled that I could be used to create something that has helped another person’s life in a moment of complete despair. And I am thankful for the redemptive elements that my many failures and mistakes have taught me. We live on in the consequences of our actions but those consequences shouldn’t hinder us from ever trying to get things right. One mistake doesn’t justify continuing the same habit. At some point I have to choose to forgive myself, at some point I have to stop asking questions I can’t answer, at some point I just have to do–contrary to how I presently feel. What I do now can change what happens in the days the come.

Tomorrow is a garden for good things to grow, so show up today to plow the field.